Could you take this man seriously?      

My apologies, I'm sorry, but he's another lawyer...the brunt of many a joke....

A Lawyer Helping The Poor? (New Addition - 10 December 2000)

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his Rolls-Royce when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

The Truck Driver

A truck driver is driving along and stops to pick up a priest who is hitchhiking. As he's driving down the motorway, chatting to the priest he sees a lawyer along the side of the road and thinks, "Hot damn! A lawyer! I hate them!" So he speeds up and heads straight for him.

At the last second though he remembers the priest with him and swerves quickly to miss him. However, he still hears a thump. He looks behind, no sign of the lawyer.

"Wow," he says to the priest "that was a close one, I almost hit that lawyer!"

"That's ok son," the priest replies "I got him with my door."

Lawyer's Accident 

A lawyer who had just bought a new car, was eager to show it off to his colleagues, as he was getting in a hugw eighteen wheeled truck came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there.

"NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a garage tried to fix it, it never would be the same. A policeman was passing by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling.

"MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY THAT LORRY DRIVER!!!"

"Your a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman.

"Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked.

"HA! You lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" replied the copper.

The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed 

"MY ROLEX!!!"

Preacher Dying

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his Lawyer and his Bank Manager, both of whom were church members, to come to his home.

When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling.

For a time, no one said anything. Both the Lawyer and Bank Manager were touched, flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness and their avaricious behaviour that made them squirm in their seats.

Finally, the lawyer said, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?"

The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves. And that's how I want to go too."

The Death of A Lawyer 

A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm's senior partner had passed away unexpectedly.

"Is Mr. Smith there?" asked the client on the phone.

"I'm very sorry, but Mr. Smith passed away last night," the receptionist answered.

"Is Mr. Smith there?" repeated the client.

The receptionist was perplexed. "Perhaps you didn't understand me I'm afraid Mr. Smith passed away last night."

"Is Mr. Smith there?" asked the client again.

"Ma'am, do you understand what I'm saying?", said the exasperated receptionist. "Mr. Smith is DEAD!"

"I understand you perfectly," the client sighed. "I just can't hear it often enough."

An Engineer Goes to Hell...

An engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gone to you, send him up here."

"No way!" says Satan, "I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him!"

"Send him back up here," replies God, "or I'll sue."

"Hah Hah Hah!" laughs Satan and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

Swim With the Sharks

An engineer, an accountant and a lawyer were shipwrecked and found themselves adrift on a raft together. In the distance they saw an island.

Using his his technical skills and knowledge of physics, the engineer ties himself to the raft using a rope and dives into the water swimming towards the island pulling the raft behind him. All of a sudden out of nowhere sharks attack. The lawyer and accountant only just manage to save the engineer and drag him out of the water.

The accountant is a little fitter and thinks he can do better. He dives into the water, planning to use his golden tongue as well as speedy footwork to get the castaways to the island. Almost at once, the sharks home in on the accountant and savage him. The lawyer drags the accountant's battered body back onto the raft.

The lawyer knows he can do better and dives into the water not even bothering with the rope. He puts his hands on the side of the raft and starts paddling and pushing the boat towards the island. From nowhere the sharks appear again and swim towards the raft; instead of attacking the lawyer though they swim alongside him helping to push the raft with their noses.

The engineer and accountant are amazed. They look down at the lawyer as he paddles and ask him how "Why?"

"Isn't is obvious?" says the lawyer, "It's professional etiquette!"

Last Request

A very wealthy man, old and desperately ill, summons to his bedside his three closest advisors: his doctor, his priest, and his lawyer.

"I know," he says, "they say 'you can't take it with you.' But who knows? Suppose they're mistaken. I'd like to have something with me, just in case. So I am giving each of you an envelope containing one hundred thousand pounds and I would be grateful if at my funeral you would put the envelopes in my coffin, so that if it turns out that it's useful, I'll have something."

They each agreed to carry out his wish. Sure enough, after just a few weeks, the old man passes away. At his funeral, each of the three advisors is seen slipping something into the coffin.

After the burial, as the three are walking away together, the doctor turns to the other two and says, "Friends, I have a confession to make. As you know, at the hospital we are desperate because of the cutbacks in funding. Our CAT SCAN machine broke down and we haven't be able to get a new one. So, I took £20,000 of our friend's money for a new CAT SCAN and put the rest in the coffin as he asked."

At this the priest says, "I, too, have a confession to make. As you know, our church is simply overwhelmed by the problem of the homeless. The needs keep increasing and we have nowhere to turn. So I took £50,000 from the envelope for our homeless fund and put the rest in the coffin as out friend requested."

Fixing the other two in his gaze, the lawyer says "I am astonished and deeply disappointed that you would treat so casually our solemn undertaking to our friend. I want you to know that I placed in his coffin my personal cheque for the full one hundred thousand pounds."

The Melting Pot

Q: What do lawyers use as contraceptives? 
A: Their personalities.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo? 
A: The lawyer charges more. 

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? 
A: A vampire only sucks blood at night. 

Q: What is brown and black and looks good on a lawyer? 
A: A Doberman Pinscher. 

Q: Why did the post office recall the new lawyer stamps? 
A: Because people could not tell which side to spit on. 

Q: Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers? 
A: It's called, Sosumi.

Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? 
A: The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures. 

Q: What is the ideal weight of a lawyer? 
A: About three pounds, including the urn. 

Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer? 
A: I don't know, there are some things even a blonde won't do.

Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer? 
A1: Take your foot off his head. 
A2: No? .…. GOOD! 

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!

Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start! (Unless you are an environmentalist; then you would consider this indiscriminate dumping of hazardous waste.)

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
A: Depends on how thin you slice them.

Q: What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
A: Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.

Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?
A: Another lawyer.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: How many can you afford?
A2: Two. One to change it, and one to kick the stool out from under him.
A3: Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company. 
A4: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of dirt?
A: The bucket.

Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A: A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

Q: Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt?
A: Because deep down, they're really good people.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50?
A: Your honour.

Q: What do you call a lawyer whose gone bad?
A: Minister.

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a sperm cell?
A: At least the sperm has a 1 in 600 million chance at becoming a human being.

Q: Why are lawyers like enemas?
A: You hate them until you need one, then you still hate them. 

Q: What did the lawyer name his daughter?
A: Sue. 

Q: What's the difference between God and a lawyer?
A: God doesn't think he's a lawyer. 

Q: What's the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A: The tick drops off after you're dead. 

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
A: A boxing referee doesn't get paid more for a longer fight.

Q: Why is it dangerous for lawyers to walk onto a construction site when plumbers are working?
A: The plumbers might connect the drain line to the wrong suer. 

Q: How do you know if a lawyer is well-hung?
A: When you can't fit your fingers between the rope and his neck. 

Q: What do slime molds have more of than lawyers? A: Respect.

Q: Why won't vultures eat dead lawyers?
A: There are some things that would gag even a vulture. 

Q: What would happen if you locked a cannibal in a room full of lawyers?
A: He would starve to death. 

Q: What do molds, ooze, and lawyers have in common?
A: They're all slime. 

Q: Why did the lawyer cross the road?
A: He saw a car accident on the other side. 

Q: Why don't hyenas eat lawyers?
A: Even hyenas has some dignity.

Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with another lawyer?
A: Nothing. There are some things that not even nature can permit. 

Q: Why didn't the circus clown feel so bad about his career?
A: At least he wasn't a lawyer.

Q: What's the difference between pigs and lawyers.
A: You can learn to respect a pig.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand. 

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope. 

Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff. 

Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"? 
A: There was an empty seat. 

Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: In the cemetery 

Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle. 

Q: What's the difference between lawyers and potholes?
A1: People try to avoid hitting potholes!
A2: People do not run over the same pothole more than once. 

Q: Why should dead lawyers be buried 16 feet deep?
A: Because deep down, they're real nice people.

Q: What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
A: One is a disgusting, bottom feeding scavenger, and the other is just a fish. 

Q: Why do lawyers carry their certification on their dashboard?
A: So they can park in the handicapped parking. (they are morally handicapped) 

Q: What are lawyers good for?
A: They make car salesmen look good!

Other Jokes

A tourist walked into a Brighton antique shop. After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to have it anyway. So he took it to the owner and said: "How much is this bronze rat?"

The owner replied: "It is £12 for the rat, and £100 for the story." Well, the tourist gave the man his £12 and said: "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."

As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him. This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster. But within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing & screeching in a very menacing way. He increased his speed & ran on towards the beach, and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their millions, and they were running faster & faster. By now very concerned, he ran to the end of Brighton Pier and threw the bronze rat far out into the water.

Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.

The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said: "Ah, you've come back for the story then!"

"No," said the tourist - "I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim fundamentalist cleric and anything French".